Monday, July 10, 2017

When I Leave This World

  
  It was about the time that I was turning forty that I began to feel the urgency to make some real changes in my life. All I could hear beating on the walls of my skull was how horrifying it would be to not just get to the end of my life and realize that I did not live my life, but to get to the end of my life and realize that I let someone else live it for me. Ugh, just the thought of it still makes my stomach churn. 
    How I got to be the person that could let this happen perhaps will be addressed in future posts. For now, let's just say that, I have lived as a people pleaser most of my life.  In my mind, if I pleased those that I care about, they would love me, thus assuring me that I would never be alone.
    The cost of thinking it's okay to live your life according to someone else's idea of who you are or should be comes with a high price tag.  For me, not only did my health fail, but I became a person that could only feel joy in others. I was happy when I was with my husband. I was happy when I was with my children. How did I feel when I was with me? Lonely. When my husband was away at work and my children were out living their lives, I was empty, sad and on the verge of depression. 
    I do have moments of resentment, but I do believe that it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for our own lives. I find peace with this by knowing that it is the path I have traveled that has brought me to where I am today.
    What would you most regret when you are lying on your death bed?  Will you be able to look back on your life and say, "I did what I came here to do" or "I lived a life that was true to my soul"? These are questions that can help us find direction quickly. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.